1 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,250 BAD EXORCIST 2 00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:19,374 {\an8}"This is gonna be a good evening," I thought. 3 00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:20,290 {\an8}Good evening. 4 00:00:20,291 --> 00:00:21,707 {\an8}And I said. 5 00:00:21,708 --> 00:00:23,624 {\an8}The canon of crime. 6 00:00:23,625 --> 00:00:28,790 First, always say hello to your neighbors, so that if things go south, they can say, 7 00:00:28,791 --> 00:00:33,082 "Oh, he was such a good boy. He always said hello." 8 00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:36,957 Today is the day. My first serious customer. 9 00:00:36,958 --> 00:00:38,874 From retail to wholesale. 10 00:00:38,875 --> 00:00:41,291 From small fry to small potatoes. 11 00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:46,540 What could be better for a 22-year-old boy in this country than dealing drugs? 12 00:00:46,541 --> 00:00:48,874 At this age, I can even go to prison. 13 00:00:48,875 --> 00:00:50,124 I have the time. 14 00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:51,165 Fuck. 15 00:00:51,166 --> 00:00:53,415 I don't know if I thought it or said it. 16 00:00:53,416 --> 00:00:56,832 Hey! You kiss your mother with that mouth? 17 00:00:56,833 --> 00:01:00,499 Sorry, Mrs. Maciejewska. My shoe got untied. 18 00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:02,249 Since I became a dealer, 19 00:01:02,250 --> 00:01:04,957 I hate dogs twice as much. 20 00:01:04,958 --> 00:01:06,207 First, they bite. 21 00:01:06,208 --> 00:01:08,457 Second, fuck the police. 22 00:01:08,458 --> 00:01:09,416 Go away! 23 00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:15,707 Point two of the canon. No adultery. That's what brothels are for. 24 00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:18,875 Point three. Always carry pepper spray. 25 00:01:21,250 --> 00:01:24,958 Got ya, you mutt. You've been sprayed before. 26 00:01:25,541 --> 00:01:26,458 Shit. 27 00:01:36,166 --> 00:01:37,625 Come on! 28 00:01:51,458 --> 00:01:54,249 "Express, my ass," I thought. 29 00:01:54,250 --> 00:01:58,040 I'll look like an amateur if I eat a kebab during the deal. 30 00:01:58,041 --> 00:01:59,583 What's going on? 31 00:02:09,916 --> 00:02:13,665 Now we're talking! First food, then business. 32 00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:15,582 Hey, I'm Fatso. Call me Tomek. 33 00:02:15,583 --> 00:02:17,250 - Sroka. - How's the grub? 34 00:02:19,666 --> 00:02:22,791 Oh, it's already good. Double XXL. 35 00:02:23,458 --> 00:02:24,958 Are you gonna pick it up? 36 00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,874 I'm so full. 37 00:02:32,875 --> 00:02:36,624 That's what I'd say if this double XXL was really double. 38 00:02:36,625 --> 00:02:37,999 Wasn't it small? 39 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:41,249 Thanks for saving me with yours because a hungry man is a bad man. 40 00:02:41,250 --> 00:02:43,083 No offense. Where did you park? 41 00:02:43,583 --> 00:02:45,999 Fuck, so far away? 42 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,165 Like it matters whether we get caught here or there. 43 00:02:49,166 --> 00:02:53,375 Okay, give me the stuff, and I'll push it to the punks for 50 each. 44 00:02:56,208 --> 00:02:59,207 As we agreed, 25 each, but you take it all. 45 00:02:59,208 --> 00:03:01,665 Sure, bro, you have it in writing. 46 00:03:01,666 --> 00:03:02,958 Didn't I text you? 47 00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:04,541 Oh, is he yours? 48 00:03:07,750 --> 00:03:10,249 Clever. If there is a woman on patrol, 49 00:03:10,250 --> 00:03:13,040 she'll get distracted by the dog and forget about the check. 50 00:03:13,041 --> 00:03:15,749 Just wash him because he smells like shit. 51 00:03:15,750 --> 00:03:18,249 This was not my dog. 52 00:03:18,250 --> 00:03:20,582 This was not a good evening. 53 00:03:20,583 --> 00:03:25,415 I don't know how, but I knew that I was going to die. 54 00:03:25,416 --> 00:03:28,541 The fifth and final point of the canon of crime, 55 00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:29,916 fuck the-- 56 00:03:43,750 --> 00:03:45,750 LAWN MOWING CHEAP! 57 00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:53,041 That's exactly how 58 00:03:54,166 --> 00:03:57,082 I imagined a company event. 59 00:03:57,083 --> 00:03:58,582 I liked it. 60 00:03:58,583 --> 00:04:02,124 - Only there wasn't enough food. - There was no food at all. 61 00:04:02,125 --> 00:04:04,915 - Exactly. - They give? You take. 62 00:04:04,916 --> 00:04:08,915 I don't know what school you went to, but certainly not elementary. 63 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:12,957 We should've charged at least 1,000 zlotys for the renovation of this bar, 64 00:04:12,958 --> 00:04:14,832 not a one-time open bar. 65 00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:16,999 How much vodka can you drink? One bottle? 66 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,790 - That's the second one. - So two. 67 00:04:18,791 --> 00:04:22,082 I got the hiccups from this Coke. 68 00:04:22,083 --> 00:04:24,499 - See? - And I like my water. 69 00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,665 Too bad I have to go to the loo to get it. 70 00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:28,583 - Want some? - Make it louder. 71 00:04:29,291 --> 00:04:33,624 {\an8}...a dogcatcher torn to pieces, but the police says it wasn't a dog. 72 00:04:33,625 --> 00:04:34,582 {\an8}More like a bitch. 73 00:04:34,583 --> 00:04:36,665 {\an8}It's a busy night for the authorities. 74 00:04:36,666 --> 00:04:39,665 {\an8}Mysterious mutilations occurred across the county. 75 00:04:39,666 --> 00:04:41,665 {\an8}Now that's a dog's life. 76 00:04:41,666 --> 00:04:44,082 {\an8}For Fib's Pulse, Marcin Staśker. 77 00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:46,415 A stray dog. 78 00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:48,749 Boss, come on, that's nonsense. 79 00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:51,332 Even in Hell we laugh at this legend. 80 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:55,249 And I'm not laughing. I used to laugh at hemorrhoids. 81 00:04:55,250 --> 00:04:57,165 Now I cry about them. 82 00:04:57,166 --> 00:05:02,041 Don't move, police! Hands up! All illegal substances on the table! 83 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,790 It's just a police joke. 84 00:05:06,791 --> 00:05:09,207 Put it away, before I change my mind. 85 00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:11,750 I have a business with this gentleman. 86 00:05:12,375 --> 00:05:16,457 Bogdan, I didn't want to say this on TV so I wouldn't look like a nut, 87 00:05:16,458 --> 00:05:19,832 but I think this is the work of the supernatural. 88 00:05:19,833 --> 00:05:22,082 We're having a company event right now. 89 00:05:22,083 --> 00:05:26,832 I'll be available tomorrow morning around 1 p.m. Make it, 5 p.m. 90 00:05:26,833 --> 00:05:28,707 What do I tell people, Boner? 91 00:05:28,708 --> 00:05:32,707 Seven bodies, mangled as if run over by a disc harrow. 92 00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:33,915 Not for me, Bogdan. 93 00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:35,165 For those people. 94 00:05:35,166 --> 00:05:38,207 How long can it take? You'll be tanking up again in an hour. 95 00:05:38,208 --> 00:05:39,665 Speaking of, give me a shot. 96 00:05:39,666 --> 00:05:41,749 No way, this is a closed party. 97 00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:44,165 Ooh, dear. 98 00:05:44,166 --> 00:05:45,833 What's it gonna be, Boguś? 99 00:05:46,375 --> 00:05:48,624 - 200 zlotys. - Boner, 100. 100 00:05:48,625 --> 00:05:50,790 And I'll turn a blind eye to your DUI. 101 00:05:50,791 --> 00:05:52,665 'Cause you're not going on foot. 102 00:05:52,666 --> 00:05:55,041 What "DUI"? I'm so-- 103 00:05:56,083 --> 00:05:57,207 Exactly. 104 00:05:57,208 --> 00:06:00,416 And you, put your ID and stuff from your pocket on the table. 105 00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:09,999 I tore so many people to pieces today! 106 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:10,915 Like a badass. 107 00:06:10,916 --> 00:06:13,582 I think it's that fatso's speed that gave me such a kick. 108 00:06:13,583 --> 00:06:15,915 You should have tried it. 109 00:06:15,916 --> 00:06:21,249 Man, I'm a dog. Chocolate can kill us. You know what would happen if I tried it? 110 00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:24,374 - Bullshit. - I don't know why you follow me. 111 00:06:24,375 --> 00:06:26,915 You're like a dog with a bone. Woof. 112 00:06:26,916 --> 00:06:28,749 Not my fault, pal. 113 00:06:28,750 --> 00:06:31,874 I wouldn't be here if your owner hadn't cursed you for biting him. 114 00:06:31,875 --> 00:06:34,165 That's why you can talk. To my detriment. 115 00:06:34,166 --> 00:06:38,374 And I don't think I've heard a "thank you" yet. 116 00:06:38,375 --> 00:06:41,375 - Who untied you? - Don't even remind me. 117 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,832 Damn mutt. What tempted me to buy you for Christmas? 118 00:06:47,833 --> 00:06:50,915 If only that turd would walk you... But no, I have to. 119 00:06:50,916 --> 00:06:54,124 Every day at 5 a.m., as if he couldn't pee at 7. 120 00:06:54,125 --> 00:06:56,082 I wish I had such a routine. 121 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:59,665 I spend hours over the toilet, dripping with pain. 122 00:06:59,666 --> 00:07:02,790 And how much the prince eats! And better than I do. 123 00:07:02,791 --> 00:07:05,624 The dog food is twice as expensive as headcheese. 124 00:07:05,625 --> 00:07:07,999 And how does he return the kindness? 125 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,582 The damn mutt bit me. 126 00:07:10,583 --> 00:07:12,833 May the devil take you! 127 00:07:14,458 --> 00:07:15,457 Done. 128 00:07:15,458 --> 00:07:17,957 But just so it's not like I didn't give you a chance, 129 00:07:17,958 --> 00:07:20,125 here, know your master's mercy. 130 00:07:28,583 --> 00:07:30,666 I'm too good for you, Halinka. 131 00:07:31,375 --> 00:07:34,582 If a man has a big heart, he must have a tough butt. 132 00:07:34,583 --> 00:07:36,791 Your eyes will open as mine close. 133 00:07:51,625 --> 00:07:54,500 That's what happened, I swear. I've been pondering over it. 134 00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:57,500 I know why I killed him. 135 00:07:58,333 --> 00:08:01,749 But why I bit him? I have no idea. 136 00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:04,416 He was in the doghouse, I guess. Wait. 137 00:08:06,208 --> 00:08:07,041 No. 138 00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:11,500 I can smell fear. Dog in trouble! 139 00:08:14,333 --> 00:08:17,124 Woof-woof! Help! 140 00:08:17,125 --> 00:08:19,540 Bad people have tied me here to die, 141 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,749 and I am actually dying of boredom! 142 00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:24,582 Shut up, Domino! 143 00:08:24,583 --> 00:08:26,999 We tied you 20 seconds ago. 144 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,832 Besides, dogs don't talk unless they're cursed. 145 00:08:29,833 --> 00:08:32,583 - Can I at least get a cell then? - No. 146 00:08:33,166 --> 00:08:34,665 - What about a phone? - No! 147 00:08:34,666 --> 00:08:36,500 What about some food? 148 00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:40,000 Fine, I get it. Woof-woof, doggone it! 149 00:08:40,875 --> 00:08:43,499 Didn't I tell you? There he is! Tied to a tree. 150 00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,750 Poor thing. Are you okay, my friend? 151 00:08:49,333 --> 00:08:51,040 Fuck, these bushes. 152 00:08:51,041 --> 00:08:52,665 Jesus, what an eyesore. 153 00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,332 Come on, smell my butt. Where are your manners? 154 00:08:55,333 --> 00:08:57,499 Isn't "good morning" enough? 155 00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:00,457 He can talk! So the poor thing's cursed. 156 00:09:00,458 --> 00:09:01,749 You bit him, huh? 157 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,415 Don't worry, we're gonna wander together, 158 00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:06,624 piss on walls, chase bikes. 159 00:09:06,625 --> 00:09:10,082 And the demons will kill. Right, where's your demon? 160 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:13,832 If he tried to bite me, he would be hung on that tree, 161 00:09:13,833 --> 00:09:15,040 not tied to it. 162 00:09:15,041 --> 00:09:17,082 And not by a leg but by balls. 163 00:09:17,083 --> 00:09:20,082 You scoundrel. That's why I smell booze! 164 00:09:20,083 --> 00:09:22,375 And dogs don't like it! 165 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,915 Hey, Burek, I do the tearing! 166 00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:31,666 Or fine, let's see. Get him. 167 00:09:34,958 --> 00:09:36,665 You're dead. 168 00:09:36,666 --> 00:09:39,625 Adaś, give me a pocketknife. 169 00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:43,082 Where's the ball? 170 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,915 Oh no, not this again. 171 00:09:44,916 --> 00:09:47,957 - Should I kill him? - Are you nuts? He has a ball. 172 00:09:47,958 --> 00:09:49,874 He has power over me. 173 00:09:49,875 --> 00:09:53,166 Even if he pretends to throw it, I'll run like a moron. 174 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,124 See? I told you. 175 00:09:58,125 --> 00:10:01,707 The only thing worse than a ball is food. Like chips for example. 176 00:10:01,708 --> 00:10:03,415 Oh no! 177 00:10:03,416 --> 00:10:06,250 Gimme one. Gimme! Come on, don't be like that. 178 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:10,125 Good boy. Want a chip? Come on. 179 00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:13,290 What's going on? 180 00:10:13,291 --> 00:10:14,415 Burek, heel! 181 00:10:14,416 --> 00:10:17,915 I can't, Adaś! It's stronger than me. 182 00:10:17,916 --> 00:10:22,250 Cursed or not, the dog is primarily a beggar. 183 00:10:27,125 --> 00:10:29,249 I know what you're up to. 184 00:10:29,250 --> 00:10:30,832 But know this, asshole. 185 00:10:30,833 --> 00:10:36,790 A cursed dog is immortal as long as it is cursed. 186 00:10:36,791 --> 00:10:39,916 He won't die even if he gets hit by a truck. 187 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,750 Here, doggy. Enjoy. 188 00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:45,332 Burek? What are you doing? 189 00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:48,250 God forbid you go near the cross. 190 00:10:50,791 --> 00:10:54,082 Oh no! The curse is getting weaker! 191 00:10:54,083 --> 00:10:57,415 Stupid dickheads, what have you done? 192 00:10:57,416 --> 00:10:59,582 It was so awesome! 193 00:10:59,583 --> 00:11:03,333 Really, mortals, doggone-- 194 00:11:03,833 --> 00:11:05,957 Shit, it's 9.45 p.m. 195 00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:09,790 They close the open bar in two hours, and I am completely sober! 196 00:11:09,791 --> 00:11:12,875 Follow me to the bar! 197 00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:17,749 I don't get it. 198 00:11:17,750 --> 00:11:19,540 I really don't. 199 00:11:19,541 --> 00:11:22,582 I gave him so many treats, threw the ball, 200 00:11:22,583 --> 00:11:25,790 played with sticks, and he still bit me. 201 00:11:25,791 --> 00:11:27,415 Good thing you didn't curse him. 202 00:11:27,416 --> 00:11:30,666 Well, I felt a little sorry for him when you shot him. 203 00:11:31,166 --> 00:11:33,166 Wait, where's Domino? 204 00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:43,583 Well, I have to free myself somehow. 205 00:11:46,375 --> 00:11:47,791 Goodbye, leg. 206 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,207 {\an8}THE END 207 00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:51,124 {\an8}Exorcist for less than three hundred 208 00:11:51,125 --> 00:11:54,457 {\an8}Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice 209 00:11:54,458 --> 00:11:57,332 {\an8}Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt 210 00:11:57,333 --> 00:12:00,625 {\an8}Watch out, Buttcifer He will get you in his sights